I’m writing a thesis on children’s entertainment and have unearthed LOADS of games, shows and snacks that defined my childhood! Here’s a list of stuff that you may have forgotten about:
Einstein! Sit!: 13-year-old Jess (played by 25-year-old Sofie Red) and her younger brother Max (played by 44-year-old Tom Lee) discover Einstein hid his brain inside their dog before he died. They must navigate highschool while trying to translate its barks into quantum theory.
Happy J: this delicious ‘synthesised juice alternative’ contained more than 400% of your daily sugar allowance. Highly addictive, the recipe was changed after a 7-year-old almost drowned in a bath of Happy J Orange, claiming he “preferred the taste to breathing”.
Bea Ash: at age 14 the Disney star hit fame with her song ‘Lolli-pop Me, Baby.’ Its video was slammed for child-sexualisation but Sony argued there was “nothing sexual about licking and choking on Flexirulers”. Ash has now quit music and receives constant therapy via an earpiece.
Kev ‘N Tim R Kerazy!: CITV’s answer to Dick and Dom was a tepid affair. Pranks included “putting someone’s watch back by ten minutes” and “exposing an avocado briefly to the air”. The recurring segment ‘4 a day’, where Kev only ate 4 of his 5 a day, was especially dull.
Killing Man: this action figure was “tough on crying and even tougher on not killing”. Complaints from mums led to spinoffs ‘Killing Man: In Bed On Time’ and ‘Killing Man Helps Nan Iron’, but both still came with the classic ‘septic bazooka’ and ‘anti-crying machine’ accessories.
LearnNow: an educational PC game where players controlled Bub, a starving rat who needs to eat correct maths answers to survive. LearnNow was criticised for emotional blackmail, particularly in a cutscene where Bub “ate his own ribs” if players didn’t show their working.
Holes: this brilliant novel by Louis Sachar follows 14-year-old Stanley Yelnats who is wrongly sent to Camp Green Lake – a juvenile correctional facility. He is tasked with digging a cylindrical hole in the desert each day to “build his character”. A witty, compelling read.
Catapult X: one of the most disappointing toys of the 90s, Pantel’s Catapult X was marketed as a high-powered catapult with a built-in flamethrower, but in reality was just some string attached to a fishfinger stuck inside a bar of soap. Sad memories of opening this on Xmas day!
Holes 2: Sachar felt pressure to follow up Holes and also compete with increasingly transgressive teen media. When Stanley returns to the camp it has been taken over by prostitutes allergic to clothes. He must coat them with lube to help them escape the mutated pimp, Dick Kcid.
Temazepam: I always felt special eating these sweets because none of my friends had heard of them. My dad would give me them as a treat when he was having an important ‘home meeting’ with his secretary while my mum was out. Delicious, and I’d always get a great sleep after!
Bimboez: a line of dolls who loved “beauty and also smiling”. Their catchphrase “I’m going to be pretty over here now” was inane, and their 1mm-thin stomachs and detachable groins arguably gave girls unrealistic body expectations. The ‘Lipo Lounge’ accessory sold a million units.
Space Assault: another disappointing release here. Pantel’s Space Assault video game promised “online, adrenaline-filled alien warfare” but in reality was just a paper aeroplane wedged inside a stale bread roll. Sad memories of opening this on my birthday!
Learn the Alphabet with Leonard Cohen: middle-class parents bought this in droves, but sadly Cohen’s guide was too complex for most toddlers. In his alphabet, “A” was for “An avalanche of sighs as Judas, naked but for his shame, let his noose kiss the neck of Christ”.
Antz: this animated movie was hilarious, but had a weird ending: mid-way through the final scene it cut to home footage of a woman undressing. She looked a bit like my dad’s secretary but it couldn’t have been her because she would have surely mentioned being in the film Antz!
Alan: in an attempt to maximise sales, Hasbro tried to design an action figure that would appeal to almost every market demographic. The result, Alan, was a “body-building alien cheerleader and vicar who ran a hair salon in the jungle in the past”. Only 12 were sold.
Sign Here: Pantel marketed this board game as an “action-packed writing adventure” but sadly it was far from it. To “win” the game, players just had to sign statements saying “they did not feel misled by previous Pantel releases” then post them to Pantel’s legal team. Weird.
Learn Science with Roy Keane: after the Leonard Cohen disaster, DK wanted a less academic reader for this audiobook. Sadly, Roy lost his temper 2 minutes into the recording due to a squeaky chair, meaning much of the tape is swearing and the sound of furniture being torn apart.
Puffin World Online: this multiplayer game was great fun but sadly became a hub for perverts. It’s estimated that during PWO’s lifetime, “more than 40,000 paedophiles accidentally met up with other paedophiles in real life, after both had impersonated children in the game”.
Bury the bag: my mum suggested this game and it was super fun. You had to dig a deep hole in the garden, put this really heavy bag in it, then cover it with dirt…against the clock! Slightly sad memories of this though as it was the week my dad’s secretary tragically disappeared.
