Star Wars

So there are going to be some new Star Wars films.

This annoys me, because these countless sequels and prequels - they're all about the money. The original Star Wars films weren't about the money; they were about great stories, great characters, great merchandise. Never the money.

The new Star Wars films are being made by a production company called Disney (pronounced 'Disney') and just yesterday they released a set of character synopses for the forthcoming film, tentatively titled 'Episode VII'. No doubt the writers will be looking to avoid the mistakes made by Lucas in the prequels. Here they are:

1. Mo-Jo Bing-Bang: a loveable purple alien with dicks for eyes and a wheelie-bin for a dick. Of no narrative significance he follows the protagonists around vomiting and providing light comic-relief by being the exact stereotype of an angry Chinese businessman. 'Our shields are row!' he cries, a timeless catchphrase sure to delight fans and cunts alike.

2. Darth Bad: an old evil shit intent on destroying the galaxy for no reason. Played by a CGI Benedict Cumberbatch but voiced by the meerkat from the insurance ads, he is as confusing as his motives are ambiguous. His controversial super-power 'force-AIDS' is fortunately never used or mentioned.

3. Lola Space-Wax: a female character, with breasts.

4. Jedi Master Vague: a kind old Jedi who speaks entirely in piss-easy riddles, including 'I am the opposite of sad, what am I?' and 'What flies and is a bird but not a helicopter?' He believes in the special prophecy that 'everything will be fine', though is characteristically vague about how deterministic it is and thus whether any action is actually required.

5. Landan G. Coolschlong: a black character with attitude to match, and a gun. As the only minority in the galaxy he doesn't play by the rules, and sure knows the f-word. "Let's shoot these motherfuckers...with our guns!", he cries. A timeless catchphrase, sure to delight fans and cunts alike. He is decapitated eighteen seconds in.

6. Bret Cloudhole: a plucky, miscast protagonist torn between saving the galaxy and putting his dick in Lola Space-Wax. In a shocking narrative twist he ends up doing both, storing the all important space crystals inside his foreskin, then hiding them from Darth Bad inside Lola's vaginal tract.

7. P69- BUM: a total pussy of a droid who literally never stops screaming like a fucking little shit. "AAAAARGGH" he cries. A timeless catchphrase sure to delight fans and cunts alike.