The UK and Saudi Arabia: Corbyn is right to hate Britain

This week the UK ditched plans to bid for a Saudi Arabian prison contract, and in my opinion this was good news. 

You see, providing expertise to the Saudi Arabian prison system is a lot like acting as a design consultant for The Second Death Star, or giving ‘Ebola’ notes on how to become a more effective disease. The Saudis have got a pretty shaky record when it comes to treating people humanely, to the extent that Amnesty International’s last report on their human rights was just the words ‘fuuuucking shiiiiiit’ written in the ‘Impact’ font, followed by a video of a monkey using a dead frog to masturbate. 

I mean, I have lied there, technically, but only because it’s genuinely quite hard to put Saudi Arabia’s moral track record into words, or at least words that don’t make everyone want to cry. And that’s not my aim with this blog. (It’s tricky to gauge how well I’m doing though; the last article I wrote got 140 views but only 7 likes, so I think it’s safe to assume there were at least a few tears.)

David Cameron with Ricky Tomlinson on an insensitive stag-do

That said, I think it’s important to look the festival-portaloo of morality that is Saudi Arabia’s human rights record in the face, so here are a couple of facts:

Fact number 1: Hillel Neuer, executive director of UN Watch and probable German, recently described Saudi Arabia as ‘the world’s most misogynistic regime.’ 

Hang on. The most misogynistic. That's one hell of an accolade, because misogyny is for my money the most competitive industry on earth. Every day literally millions of men, families, corporations, newspapers, video games, songs, lipsticks, hoovers, coffee machines, dogs, fonts, and women compete to prove they hate women the most. When I gave misogyny a go, by calling my mum ‘a bitch’ back in 2007, I didn’t even crack the top billion, so I have no idea how you go about winning a competition like that. My only guess is bribery. Either way, when it comes to hating women Saudi Arabia are absolutely killing it. And them.

Fact number 2: Saudi Arabia frequently engages in 'torture, ill-treatment, racism, xenophobia, and arbitrary detention.'

That’s got to be the most upsetting list since ‘Schindler’s’, and as someone who has experienced arbitrary detention (two minutes late for science in Year 8, and the lesson didn't start properly until ten past) I feel personally hurt just reading it.

But wait. Saudi Arabia is a member of the UN Human Rights Council, so they can’t be that bad, can they?

Well, their membership is surprising, but there are a couple of important factors here. First, Saudi Arabia’s membership doesn’t so much validate the Saudi regime; it more helps invalidate the council. In fact, take a look at the full list of members and you’ll come across a whole number of human rights violators: 

UN Human Rights Council – Most controversial members

China

Pakistan

Cuba

Qatar

Hitler’s ghost

The Sarlacc

Literally ALL wasps

9/11

Mrs Brown’s Boys

The Go Compare Man

PAHR (Pricks against Human Rights)

Second, and perhaps more importantly, Saudi Arabia are on the council partially because of us. It was recently revealed that the UK engaged in a secret vote-trading deal. This meant we promised to vote for the Saudis if they promised to vote for us, which is I imagine what David Cameron thinks Fair Trade is. Interestingly, though, the deal wasn’t just a straight exchange; according to the Prime Minister himself we have to play by the Saudis’ rules because they provide us with vital security information such as terrorist intelligence and their Paypal password (womenareshit48). 

Remember when Cameron fucked a pig haha

So we're staying their mates?

Looks like it. And to be honest I'm pretty ashamed of the UK right now.  

That's not very patriotic.

Well let's face it, patriotism is irrational. No intelligent person loves their country just because they were born there, in the same way no good parent loves their children just because they're their own: they've got to earn it. My parents don't love me, but then I didn't get all A*s at GCSE so it's completely justified, and to be honest I'd disown them if they did. 

How are you going to form a tenuous link to Jeremy Corbyn like you always do?

I'm glad you asked. Recently The Conservatives have been peddling the idea that Jeremy Corbyn hates Britain like that's a bad thing. But looking at our relationship with Saudi Arabia, hating Britain is probably the most moral and rational standpoint available. I just hope it doesn't transpire that Corbyn unconditionally loves his children, because there's no way I could vote for someone like that.