The EU Referendum: A Tough One for Arseholes

Those cannot be on right

I feel sorry for arseholes in the lead-up to the EU referendum, because I think they deserve some clarity. 

On one side of the debate you’ve got Katie Hopkins and Nigel Farage and on the other you’ve got George Osborne and Jeremy Clarkson. That’s a hell of a dilemma if you’re a prick. I mean, how do you make sure you do the wrong thing? Apparently we already have 'control over our borders', meaning even racists are confused (obviously racists are always confused, by, for instance, how nice and 'not terroristy' the Muslims they know are, but this is worse than ever).

To give you an idea of just how bad things have got, here's a profile of some of the most prevalent arseholes on BOTH sides:

Nigel Farage - Leave

 

I read an article about the ‘millennium bug’ yesterday. Basically, in the run-up to the year 2000 everyone thought they were going to die because computers would kick off about a date ending in two zeros, but in reality all that happened was a family in Devon had to reset the clock on their microwave.

I feel like we went through something similar with UKIP last year. Everyone panicked because they were going to win seats or even form a coalition, but then thanks to a flawed voting system that most people on the left had tried to get rid of, they didn’t. Now they just seem harmlessly racist, like your nan, or Donald Trump in February, and they aren't even that prominent in the debate.

It must be annoying for Farage, having made a point for ages only to be excluded from the eventual discussion, but at least now he's got a way of empathising with women.

Jeremy Clarkson - Remain

Jeremy Clarkson is a man who, after claiming he “did everything in his power not to say the N-word”, still sort of mumbled the N-word. That’s a devotion to racism that suggests some sort of dependency. He must have to leave mid-way through conversations to lock himself in a toilet cubicle and murmur something about ‘the Japs’. He thinks we should remain, which is a bit scary, but I'm hoping he's a sort of cleverly placed 'deterrent' engineered by the Leave campaign, or Amazon Prime.

 

I googled 'EU' and this was one of the results haha wtf

George Osborne and David Cameron - Remain

Oozing all the trustworthiness of a 'millionth visitor' banner, Osborne has utilised the tried and tested tactics of lying about the economy and looking like an estate agent for haunted homes in his battle for Remain. Cameron on the other hand has made it clear that he has a passion for the EU, and firmly believes we should stay, just so long as he can re-negotiate every aspect of our membership to the point where its only function is to guarantee automatic qualification for Eurovision. It's hard to know what their real motive is, but one guesses it's something to do with keeping power. E.g. making sure they keep power.

Boris Johnson - Please let me be Prime Minister

Boris Johnson is the biggest player on the leave side, and his most notable argument has been to compare the EU to Hitler. This is a touch confusing, as Johnson himself looks like he belongs inside an Aryan theme park, I imagine as a jerky, slightly creepy animatronic telling you to keep your arms inside the boat just before the hill of the log flume (‘Purity Mega Splash’).

Of course, it’s slightly worrying when your future leader uses a debate tactic usually reserved for those losing an argument in the comments section of a Drake video. But it’s even more worrying when he probably doesn’t even believe in what he’s saying. Johnson has spearheaded Vote Leave in order to separate himself from Cameron and Osborne, and thus begin a charge towards Tory leadership. This means it’s probably not his actual opinion, more just a tactical opinion, sort of like that time I said 'we should have an open mind to ghosts' at that dinner party where everyone was a bit thick at my end of the table. 

Let's take h ack ontrol  cave

Ultimately, the fact that the rich elite populate both sides of the debate suggests the wealthy probably won’t suffer much whatever happens. It’s just that some of them have managed to engineer further personal gains if a particular side happens to win. Great stuff. Good to see. Democracy at its finest. Hashtag.

The real issue, though, is that there isn't any clarity for pricks at the other end of the scale either. Guardian-reading pricks like me. I was expecting being self-righteous to be a piece of piss: I'd vote Remain, mutter something about unity, and go home to be smug and privileged. But now there are left wing arguments for leaving and to be honest it's an outrage. Apparently the only safe opinion left is being 'anti-Trump', and the way things are going he'll turn out to be Sacha Baron Cohen in a fat-suit and it'll be egg on my face. 

 

Anyway, I would end this by saying vote Remain, but after the comment about thick people and ghosts there's a good chance you think I'm an arsehole, and I don't want to put you off.