A tribute to Jeremy Paxman

Recently it was announced that Evan Davis will replace Jeremy Paxman as the host of the BBC's Newsnight. I'll certainly be sad to see Paxman go, especially as no-one will ever be able to replicate his wonderful, highly-probing interview style.

As a tribute to the man, I thought I'd try and find my favourite Paxman moment. So, below is a transcript of an absolute classic bit of Newsnight from March 2007. Interviewing ex-host of children’s TV smash ‘Get your own back' - Dave Benson Phillips - Paxman asks the questions the public really want to hear. Enjoy.

Jeremy Paxman interviews Dave Benson Phillips (14/03/2007)

Paxman: Dave Benson Phillips, good evening.

DBP: Good evening.

Paxman: So, you haven’t been on our screens for six years now. What makes you think the public are still interested in you?

DBP: Well I’m still a prolific children’s entertainer, and I think the demand for TV shows like Get your own back to make a return is growing and growing, so- 

Paxman: Well I don’t want to watch it.

DBP: Yes, but you’re a grown man.

Paxman: Would rather watch paint dry. 

DBP: Like I say, you’re not really the target market. 

Paxman: Don't even like paint much.

DBP: Okay?

Paxman: Mr Phillips what makes you think you can just waltz in here and start talking, live on air?

DBP: Well I was invited, wasn't I? I mean really I want to talk about how children’s entertainment has changed, and how that could be affecting the way that we see no only our friends and family, but-

Paxman: I didn't ask you about your personal life Mr Phillips I asked you a serious question. Now will you please answer it and stop being such a pussy and just chatting shit! I can feel the viewers turning off as you speak, probably going to watch world's biggest pussies on Channel 5, starring you. 

DBP: Sorry, can you repeat the question then, because-

Paxman: Have you ever lied to your wife Mr Phillips?

DBP: What?

Paxman: Have you ever lied to your wife?

DBP: Well, I mean-

Paxman: Have you ever told she looks like a fucking portaloo?

DBP: No, I-  

Paxman: Designed by a fucking mole with no eyes.

DBP: How could-

Paxman: COME ON!

DBP: I don’t understand why you’re-

Paxman: How much is a loaf of bread?

DBP: Um...

Paxman: HOW MUCH IS A LOAF OF BREAD?

 

DBP: Well sliced it’s usually about £1.35, but-

Paxman: I meant a loaf made of DICK for crying out loud!

DBP: What does that even-?

Paxman: COME ON!

DBP: I don’t get what you’re-

Paxman: Do you have an inny or an outy?

DBP: An outy, but I don’t see how-

Paxman: Israel or Palestine? 

DBP: I’m sorry?

Paxman: WHO DO YOU SUPPORT: ISRAEL OR PALESTINE?!

DBP: Erm…well personally I support a general movement towards tolerance and understanding with the aim of eventually reaching some sort of ceasefire. I mean the education system- 

Paxman: BLAH BLAH BLAH. (Pretends to vomit). What a fucking worm’s dick of an answer. This is classic Benson Phillips: twisting the question like a sack. 

DBP: What do you mean ‘a sack’?

Paxman: Sack o’ shit.  

He hi-5s the set designer, pretends to vomit again, then exits. There is a pause as DBP sits in shock.

DBP: (Peering down his top) Shit, it's an inny. 

Germany vs. Argentina

19: 56: COIN TOSS

The players shake hands with the referee and it's time for the coin toss. Argentina captain Lionel Messi picks heads while Germany captain Philipp Lahm opts for the risky 'side-coin'. It's tails, so kick-off is awarded to the team that sent the biggest bribe (Germany).

20:00: KICK OFF

Whistle blows. Germany's Muller shares a brief kiss with teammate Kroos before passing the ball to start the match. Homophobic boos are quickly drowned out by anti-Argentine boos. Good to see.

15 minutes: BALL GOES OVER THE FENCE

Mascherano's miss-kick sends the ball flying out of the stadium and over the fence into someone's garden. Under FIFA regulation Mascherano must ring their doorbell and ask for it back.

17 minutes: THEY'RE NOT IN

Mascherano re-enters the stadium ball-less, and to searing boos. "They weren't in!" he cries. More boos. "I tried to climb over the fence but their neighbours were looking at me!" he pleads. No luck. He is yellow carded and the game begins again using the spare ball.

24 minutes: PENALTY CLAIM

Argentina cry for a penalty as Messi is stabbed in the box by Zabaleta: a German spy on the Argentinian team. Referee says play on. Clever play from the Germans.

31 minutes: REFEREE VOMITS

The game's referee Marcus Pleamf vomits into the German goal. Camera focuses in on attractive Argentinian woman watching the action nervously.

32 minutes: ATTRACTIVE ARGENTINIAN WOMAN VOMITS

Seemingly spotting Pleamf's vomit, the attractive Argentinian woman also vomits. Camera now focuses in on an old German man dressed as an Angela Merkel/eagle hybrid with the German flag painted onto his face and Miroslav Klose tattooed to his cock. He goes nuts upon seeing himself on the big screen and starts windmilling, though the camera quickly cuts away.

47 minutes: HALF TIME: GERMANY 0-0 ARGENTINA

Referee blows for half time. As the camera spots David Luiz in the crowd everyone remembers how shit Brazil are.
 
20:49: RIO FERDINAND LOOKS RIDICULOUS

Pundit Rio Ferdinand appears on screen for the first time and due to his makeup is the colour of a Homebase shed. He begins a nervous monologue about the Germans being efficient which, while unintelligible, definitely contains the word Nazis at least twice.

20:51 AWKWARD BANTER INVOLVING PUNDITS

"In my day football wasn't full of pussies" quips Alan Hansen. Big laugh from the studio. Overconfident, he proceeds to describe the Argentina defence as "a steaming pile of fuck", forcing Lineker to apologise to camera.

20: 58: WEIRD FEATURE

Lineker introduces a weird and unnecessary feature called 'My Football Loo'. "Tweet us pictures of the toilet you used during the match with the hashtag #myfootballloo" he says. Moments later Shearer attempts a segue-joke about the game being 'crap' but can't articulate it well enough. It bombs and he goes red.

21:00: SECOND HALF

Whistle blows. Germany's Schweinsteiger shares a brief hand-job with half-Ghanaian teammate Jerome Boateng before passing the ball to begin the second half. Racist boos are quickly drowned out by homophobic boos. Good to see.

62 minutes: REFEREE SHOWS MYSTERIOUS PURPLE CARD

Referee Marcus Pleamf shows Mesut Ozil a giant purple card for his tackle on Perez. Ozil starts to cry and begs for forgiveness, suggesting he knows the card's true power.

66 minutes: TWEET from @moleskincum87: "Argetinga desrevr a red crad in the faec for thsi perfmorance utterlly vile ive seen better footbeal from my cat and its disasbled and gay" 

75 minutes: BALL BEING KICKED AROUND

Ball is kicked around by the players on the pitch. Good to see.

77 minutes: GOAL! - GERMANY 1-0 ARGENTINA

With a fantastic turn of pace Germany's Klose whips the ball into the back of the Argentina net. He runs towards the corner flag and lifts up his shirt, revealing a picture of his young daughter. Commentator Steve Wilson somehow mistakes the girl for Madeleine McCann, spawning the internet meme 'Awkward British Commentator'.

90 minutes: GERMANS BEGIN TO CELEBRATE

As the Germans celebrate what looks set to be an historic victory, the camera focuses in on Angela Merkel, sitting in the VIP box. She goes nuts upon seeing herself on the big screen and starts windmilling, though the camera quickly cuts away.

94 minutes: FULL TIME - GERMANY 1 - ARGENTINA 0 - QATAR 20

That's it! The referee blows for full time and the Germans celebrate. But, out of nowhere Sepp Blatter runs on the pitch, wanking. He whispers something to the referee and it is announced that Qatar are this year's victors, having scored 20 goals. Incredible scenes. As the result appears on the screen Ozil is shot in the head by a mysterious purple man, the Qatar squad run onto the pitch in tears, and Blatter finishes onto the referee's chest. Football at its finest. 

Star Wars

So there are going to be some new Star Wars films.

This annoys me, because these countless sequels and prequels - they're all about the money. The original Star Wars films weren't about the money; they were about great stories, great characters, great merchandise. Never the money.

The new Star Wars films are being made by a production company called Disney (pronounced 'Disney') and just yesterday they released a set of character synopses for the forthcoming film, tentatively titled 'Episode VII'. No doubt the writers will be looking to avoid the mistakes made by Lucas in the prequels. Here they are:

1. Mo-Jo Bing-Bang: a loveable purple alien with dicks for eyes and a wheelie-bin for a dick. Of no narrative significance he follows the protagonists around vomiting and providing light comic-relief by being the exact stereotype of an angry Chinese businessman. 'Our shields are row!' he cries, a timeless catchphrase sure to delight fans and cunts alike.

2. Darth Bad: an old evil shit intent on destroying the galaxy for no reason. Played by a CGI Benedict Cumberbatch but voiced by the meerkat from the insurance ads, he is as confusing as his motives are ambiguous. His controversial super-power 'force-AIDS' is fortunately never used or mentioned.

3. Lola Space-Wax: a female character, with breasts.

4. Jedi Master Vague: a kind old Jedi who speaks entirely in piss-easy riddles, including 'I am the opposite of sad, what am I?' and 'What flies and is a bird but not a helicopter?' He believes in the special prophecy that 'everything will be fine', though is characteristically vague about how deterministic it is and thus whether any action is actually required.

5. Landan G. Coolschlong: a black character with attitude to match, and a gun. As the only minority in the galaxy he doesn't play by the rules, and sure knows the f-word. "Let's shoot these motherfuckers...with our guns!", he cries. A timeless catchphrase, sure to delight fans and cunts alike. He is decapitated eighteen seconds in.

6. Bret Cloudhole: a plucky, miscast protagonist torn between saving the galaxy and putting his dick in Lola Space-Wax. In a shocking narrative twist he ends up doing both, storing the all important space crystals inside his foreskin, then hiding them from Darth Bad inside Lola's vaginal tract.

7. P69- BUM: a total pussy of a droid who literally never stops screaming like a fucking little shit. "AAAAARGGH" he cries. A timeless catchphrase sure to delight fans and cunts alike.