Friday, 23 September 2016

Kathy Miller: 8 minorities that need to work a bit harder

Ohio Trump campaign chair Kathy Miller was forced to resign yesterday after an interview with The Guardian where she stated 'if you're black and you haven't been successful in the last 50 years, it's your own fault'.

Implying that there was no racism in the 1960s seems risky for a political figure, but I got in contact with Kathy and she kindly explained her views. She also gave me a list of other groups she believes have failed of their own accord in the last 50 years. Have a look at her statement below and see what you think.

What did you think of Miller's remarks?


My name is Kathy Miller, and I recently said some things which many people have claimed were racist!! 

But the thing is, I don’t see colour. 

Whether I’m looking at this photo of members of the US senate, or this collage of unarmed individuals recently shot by police, to me they are all just human beings. Race simply doesn’t come into it. 

Anyway, due to popular demand I thought I'd list all of the groups whose lack of success has been their own fault over the last 50 years.

--------- ***---------


Black people - let’s just make this clear: there was no racism in the 1960s. In fact, black people were given a whole range of privileges, such as their own restrooms

Likewise, work for blacks was in abundance. If you look at the statistics, blacks actually dominated certain areas of the job market, such as the 'unpaid civil rights protester' segment. 

Now, people say to me 'Kathy, black people earned less than white people.' But if you consider that their life expectancy was seven years lower than whites’ which meant they often didn’t reach retirement age (rather than IGNORE the facts) then they essentially earned more money per year of their life! 

That's maths 4 you ;)


you cant manpiulate numbers



Muslims - it's completely untrue that there is an oppressive culture of suspicion and mistrust regarding Muslims in the USA. Sure, Muslims often claim there is, but you can tell that they're lying for personal gain

Yes, sometimes white people abuse Muslims and call them terrorists or whatever, but these people are an extreme minority who do not represent the white population as a whole!


But I guess Muslims wouldn't understand that.


easy life!!


Cows - sure, people have been killing and eating cows systematically for centuries, but let’s look at the facts: nowadays people often point out that eating meat is bad which must mean that no-one ever eats meat anymore!! To be honest, any cow that complains about having been brutally killed then eaten is probably trying to leech off the system. Moo! 


accept the mahts!!


Babies – I mean for fuck’s sake! Waaa! Waaa! I was a baby for a few years, but then I snapped out of it. Baby apologists really do grind my gears. I mean, when a baby does a little fart then dribbles carrot onto its bib, everyone laughs and claps, but when I do it people don’t know how to react.

Yes. It really seems like it’s one rule for babies and another for everyone else.




its a weekday for crynig out loud!! stop fukcnig around!


Fictional characters – BLOODY HELL! SeRiOusLy! I hate these pansies. If I were a product of someone’s imagination and had my every word, action and opportunity dictated by them, I’d probably just dig my heels in! 

And anyway, just because you’re a character in a book, that doesn’t mean you can’t leap out of the book and become non-fictional, does it?! I mean look at Harry Potter: at first he was a fake-child who struggled at school, but now he’s Daniel Radcliffe. If that’s not an example of how hard work can turn your chances around well then I guess I’m a dumb piece of racist shit.


lazy
 
Kettles - JESUS CHRIST DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THESE LAYABOUTS. When was the last time you saw a kettle pull its weight? That’s right!! In the short play I wrote and performed for my niece, 'The Kettle That Thought About The Museum'.

And people say ‘oh, Kathy, it’s different being a kettle to being a white woman born into wealth.’ But is it? Is it really? Let's think about it. We both let off steam, we're both subject to the universal laws of physics, and we've both fallen into that gap behind the dishwasher and been unable to get out until Richard came home

It really is a level playing field.



pathetic



Interplanetary dust - URGH!! 

wtf!!


The dead - FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! SURE, people say 'Kathy, you're not dead so you don't know what it's like', or 'Kathy, society isn't designed for the dead', or 'Kathy, maybe don't order the carrots this time' but they are INTRANET BULLIES.  

You don't have to be a scientist to know that the dead are slacking off, much in the same way Sally The Kettle didn't have to VISIT the museum to know that she'd had a great birthday

kathy x

Friday, 16 September 2016

Grammar Schools: Theresa May's leaked email chain


It seems almost unfathomable that Theresa May reached a point of suggesting a return to grammar schools: a policy unpopular even within her own party.

However, a leaked email chain between The Prime Minister and a party adviser gives some insight into how the policy made it through. Take a look below and see for yourself.

How did the plans make it through?

-------05/09/16 19:41-------
Hi Robert,


Really pleased with how the whole transition has gone. I can’t stress enough how thankful I am for such a warm welcome, and I’m looking forward to doing you all proud.


Just one thing. I’ve had a policy idea that I’d be keen to get a bit of feedback on. Could I send it over to you?


Best,


Theresa May


-------05/09/16 19:51------
Hi Theresa,


I have no doubt whatsoever you’ll do us proud!


I’m not sure email would be the best place to discuss policy ideas. Could you maybe save it for the meeting on Thursday?


Yours,


Robert Halsey


-------05/09/16 19:54------
Hi Robert,


I understand email isn’t the ideal place for discussing policy, but let’s just say I’m really keen to put the feelers out for this one.


Best,


Theresa


-------05/09/16 19:59-------
Hi Theresa,


It’s great that you’re full of ideas, but I’d be fairly reluctant to give my opinion on new policy without consulting think-tank first. Like I say, could you just wait until Thurs?


Robert


-------05/09/16 20:00-------
Hi Robert,


I understand. It’s just, well, I really think this exciting new idea could make suckers out of the Labour Party. 


Best,

Theresa


-------05/09/16 20:12-------
Hi Theresa,


That's great. But let's save it for now shall we?


Robert


-------05/09/16 20:14-------
Robby my boy,


This is a plan that could change the country in eight easy steps. I really think this is an idea that we should ink into our diaries, just so we can sea its brilliance and it is a robot octopus

Best,


Theresa

-------05/09/16 20:19-------
Hi Theresa, 

Not quite sure what you’re referring to? I’m strapped for time at the moment, but if you’re totally desperate I might have the chance to look at a brief outline. 
 
Robert


-------05/09/16 20:23------

WELCOME TO OCTOPIA


Fanfare.
Ink fired at the moon. It hits. 
Bullseye.

From an all-encompassing nowhere bellows a voice: 

"I AM OCTOBOT"
OCTOBOT EMERGES: THE FIRST ROBOT OCTOPUS SINCE PAUL THE OCTOPUS (YES HE WAS A ROBOT, CHECK MY BLOG FOR INFO).


“Is it a bird? Is it a plane?”


     The child’s question is never answered as she is grabbed by OCTOBOT.

 (Serves her right for looking at some dumb bird when OCTOBOT is right there).


OCTOBOT begins fixing Britain with its intelligent brain.


LITTER: FIXED 

CONGESTION: FIXED

BABIES CRYING: FIXED

NASTY SMELLS: FIXED

NO NEW PADDINGTON BEAR BOOK SINCE 2014: FIXED

ERROR MESSAGE ON MY COMPUTER: FIXED


Crowds of onlookers wave placards which read: 

 "We give £300m a week to the OCTOBOT construction team so that they can build and maintain OCTOBOT. Let's give it to OCTOBOT instead." 

OCTOBOT SPINS AROUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE SPINNY-ROUND BINS THEY USED TO HAVE TO PROMOTE SOLERO SHOTS. (THEY DEFINITELY DID HAVE THESE I REMEMBER IT FOR A FACT THEY WERE BLUE AND IT WAS IN 2004).
Robert Halsey watches on in impressed awe, touching himself possibly. 

The Pope mutters:

"This is it. This is perfection. This is OCTOPIA."




-------05/09/16 20:35-------
Theresa,


I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Please destroy all evidence of this idea and never mention it to me, a party member or journalist ever again.


Robert Halsey

-        
-------05/09/16 20:55------- 





-------05/09/16 21:01-------
Dear Theresa,

I'm sorry but there is nothing you can do to convince me that this idea should be developed.


Robert


-------05/09/16 21:16------- 




-------05/09/16 21:25-------
Dear Theresa,

Please cease from emailing me.

Robert Halsey.


 -------05/09/16 21:27-------
Hey Rob,


I see I’ve rattled you. But let’s just say if this idea doesn’t work we could always oct-out.


T.


-------05/09/16 21:30-------
Hi Theresa,                                       
                           

You’ve already made very clear that the idea is a giant robot octopus so I don’t quite know why you’ve gone back to insinuations. Again, please cease from emailing me.

Robert Halsey


-------05/09/16 21:34------- 

Look, ROB, I really don’t like your negative attitude, nor the sheer hypocrisy of first denying feedback only to offer it IN SPADES a few emails later. Because you have been so RUDE about what my daughter described as an IMAGINATIVE and FUNNY idea I will be sending it to the press as well as a rumour I have made up about you being addicted to the sauce that comes with dough balls at pizza express


-------05/09/16 21:36------- 
Theresa, 

Please, please do not send this idea to anyone. It will destroy confidence not only in your leadership but the entire Conservative Party. Honestly right now I’m happy for you to do literally anything else if you promise me you will never show this idea to the press. 


Please Theresa. Anything but this.


-------05/09/16 21:37------- 

Can I bring back the ineffective and inherently divisive grammar school system?


-------05/09/16 21:38------- 
  
Yep that’s fine. I’ll see you Thursday.


Friday, 9 September 2016

PMQs: Is Theresa May cracking too many gags?

Theresa May has been accused of lowering the quality of debate by telling tenuous, poorly-scripted jokes in the House of Commons. But is this the case? I've managed to get hold of the script for next week’s PMQs, so have a look and tell me if you think she oversteps the mark at all.

Has she gone too far?

Prime Minister's Questions: Script 14/09/16

  Ed: Hi Theresa, here’s the rough script for next week’s PMQs. I'll send it round to everyone, but just give it a quick read first to make sure it's all okay. 

SPEAKER: I now give the floor to The Prime Minister. 

MAY: (Smiling) Firstly, I know that the whole house will join me in wishing Richard Ballom a speedy recovery from his accident this weekend. 

All of party to cheer and nod. Labour will have to cheer here so it doesn't seem like they hate Richard Ballom.


PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 1: I’ve got a question here from Lianne-

All of party to jeer at the name Lianne. Backbencher 5 to yell “sounds like lion”.

She asks 'how can I be sure my children will be able to succeed in life with £40,000 of student debt?'

MAY: If we're talking pounds, I think it's The Honourable Gentleman who is piling them on! Because seeing as it was the Labour Government that introduced fees, he's having his cake and eating it!

All to laugh. May to suck her index finger as if tasting some icing. 


PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 2: Our health service is underfunded, understaffed, and doctors are striking. Does the Prime Minister view the situation as satisfactory?

MAY: Well Mr Speaker, I went to see a doctor this week about my bowels and he told me that a lot of his patients were feeling sick about the idea of a Labour Government! (Note: could cut bowels line).

Tory laugh (medium).

But that the biggest prick was not his needle for injecting into people's veins, but Mr Corbyn!

Laugh (big).

Though it wasn't the veins that were vain, but Mr Corbyn!

Laugh (huge).

And that the Labour Party is essentially the (shouted) HIV/AIDS of politics!

All to jeer and laugh (raucous). Backbencher 17 to mutter "one of the worst diseases".

 
PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 3: With crime rates at an all-time high, how can young men and women be sure they're safe when they leave the home?

MAY: I think you’ll find this government has spent more on security than Jeremy Corbyn COMBINED. (Winking) However, I’m also sure The Honourable Gentleman won’t want to CHICKEN out of ensuring a strong police force.

Rubber chicken to fall from the ceiling; expected to land on Corbyn though is only accurate within 3 metres. If hits, backbencher 2 to yell "socialism". Party poppers to be set off from rows 3 and 6.


PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 4: Our education system is failing, with worsening results and growing income inequality one must surely see that this government etc.

MAY: Well I think the Labour Party needs to go back to SCHOOL! (Wanking) And it’s interesting that he mentions our education system, because I’m sure The Honourable Gentleman won’t want to get GUNGED.

Gunge to fall from the ceiling; expected to land on Corbyn though is only accurate within 20 metres. Tories to jeer for minute and a half while Corbyn cleans up. As jeering fades, backbencher 6 to shout “…British people” as if it were the end of a sentence with actual content.


PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 5: Nuclear weapons can kill hundreds of millions of people, so if the Prime Minister etc.

MAY: An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs: sorry for the convenience!’

Escalator to fall from the ceiling. Foam cannon to switch on and fire at Eric Pickles (or Tom Watson/other fat MP if Pickles isn't in), who will try to dodge the foam in Matrix 'bullet-time' style. 


PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 6: Poor people etc.

MAY:[FART NOISE]. 

'Chimpanzee riding a Segway' to be projected onto back wall. Trapdoor in the floor to open, from it to emerge three clowns who juggle funny vegetables (e.g. marrows) and kitchen appliances (e.g. electric whisks, ovens). Philip Hammond to reveal he has had a fake moustache on the entire time AND a fake back tattoo (it has just been a temporary one). Backbenchers 19 to 24 to begin playing steel band rendition of Agadoo.

All to settle after second chorus.

SPEAKER: Order! I now open questions to the floor.

CONSERVATIVE MP FOR TRURO: Does the Prime Minister agree that poo is bad?

MAY: Yes.

APPLAUSE.