PMQs: Is Theresa May cracking too many gags?

Theresa May has been accused of lowering the quality of debate by telling tenuous, poorly-scripted jokes in the House of Commons. But is this the case? I've managed to get hold of the script for next week’s PMQs, so have a look and tell me if you think she oversteps the mark at all.

Has she gone too far?

Prime Minister's Questions: Script 14/09/16

  Ed: Hi Theresa, here’s the rough script for next week’s PMQs. I'll send it round to everyone, but just give it a quick read first to make sure it's all okay. 

SPEAKER: I now give the floor to The Prime Minister. 

MAY: (Smiling) Firstly, I know that the whole house will join me in wishing Richard Ballom a speedy recovery from his accident this weekend. 

All of party to cheer and nod. Labour will have to cheer here so it doesn't seem like they hate Richard Ballom.

PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 1: I’ve got a question here from Lianne-

All of party to jeer at the name Lianne. Backbencher 5 to yell “sounds like lion”.

She asks 'how can I be sure my children will be able to succeed in life with £40,000 of student debt?'

MAY: If we're talking pounds, I think it's The Honourable Gentleman who is piling them on! Because seeing as it was the Labour Government that introduced fees, he's having his cake and eating it!

All to laugh. May to suck her index finger as if tasting some icing. 

PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 2: Our health service is underfunded, understaffed, and doctors are striking. Does the Prime Minister view the situation as satisfactory?

MAY: Well Mr Speaker, I went to see a doctor this week about my bowels and he told me that a lot of his patients were feeling sick about the idea of a Labour Government! (Note: could cut bowels line).

Tory laugh (medium).

But that the biggest prick was not his needle for injecting into people's veins, but Mr Corbyn!

Laugh (big).

Though it wasn't the veins that were vain, but Mr Corbyn!

Laugh (huge).

And that the Labour Party is essentially the (shouted) HIV/AIDS of politics!

All to jeer and laugh (raucous). Backbencher 17 to mutter "one of the worst diseases".

 

PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 3: With crime rates at an all-time high, how can young men and women be sure they're safe when they leave the home?

MAY: I think you’ll find this government has spent more on security than Jeremy Corbyn COMBINED. (Winking) However, I’m also sure The Honourable Gentleman won’t want to CHICKEN out of ensuring a strong police force.

Rubber chicken to fall from the ceiling; expected to land on Corbyn though is only accurate within 3 metres. If hits, backbencher 2 to yell "socialism". Party poppers to be set off from rows 3 and 6.

PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 4: Our education system is failing, with worsening results and growing income inequality one must surely see that this government etc.

MAY: Well I think the Labour Party needs to go back to SCHOOL! (Wanking) And it’s interesting that he mentions our education system, because I’m sure The Honourable Gentleman won’t want to get GUNGED.

Gunge to fall from the ceiling; expected to land on Corbyn though is only accurate within 20 metres. Tories to jeer for minute and a half while Corbyn cleans up. As jeering fades, backbencher 6 to shout “…British people” as if it were the end of a sentence with actual content.

PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 5: Nuclear weapons can kill hundreds of millions of people, so if the Prime Minister etc.

MAY: An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs: sorry for the convenience!’

Escalator to fall from the ceiling. Foam cannon to switch on and fire at Eric Pickles (or Tom Watson/other fat MP if Pickles isn't in), who will try to dodge the foam in Matrix 'bullet-time' style. 

PREDICTED CORBYN QUESTION 6: Poor people etc.

MAY:[FART NOISE]. 

'Chimpanzee riding a Segway' to be projected onto back wall. Trapdoor in the floor to open, from it to emerge three clowns who juggle funny vegetables (e.g. marrows) and kitchen appliances (e.g. electric whisks, ovens). Philip Hammond to reveal he has had a fake moustache on the entire time AND a fake back tattoo (it has just been a temporary one). Backbenchers 19 to 24 to begin playing steel band rendition of Agadoo.

All to settle after second chorus.

SPEAKER: Order! I now open questions to the floor.

CONSERVATIVE MP FOR TRURO: Does the Prime Minister agree that poo is bad?

MAY: Yes.

APPLAUSE.