The Problem with Satire (08/10/14)

Last week, a ‘Banksy’ in Clacton-on-Sea was destroyed because it was deemed to be racist. The artwork in question was an image portraying a group of pigeons telling an exotic bird to ‘go back to Africa’, among other things.

Quite obviously, the image was a satire of intolerance, and it’s almost bemusing to think that anyone could have construed it as otherwise, particularly as ‘bird art’ isn’t really the most popular medium for hate. Most racists who do want immigrants to ‘go home’ tend not to deliver said message via a confused, pigeon-based metaphor stencilled onto a garage door. Likewise the Islamic State has never made a papier maché swan with ‘Fuck Obama’ crayoned onto its beak and a burning picture of Diana glued to its cock, and pushed it out to sea. If it did, I’m sure the UK’s terror threat level would rise, but it definitely hasn’t.

What’s more bemusing to me though is the media’s general praise of the piece. Despite knowing nothing about art I quite like Banksy – much in the same way I quite like The Beatles despite knowing nothing about music or quite like Top Gear despite knowing nothing about being a cunt towards South Americans.

But I don’t think this particular mural was in any way a masterpiece, nor a good piece of satire. It may as well have been entitled ‘Racism – but imagine if it was birds what were doing it’, because that’s essentially what it is. Look at it this way: you wouldn’t call someone a genius if they drew some ants as a metaphor for the financial crisis or wrote about some farmyard animals as an analogy for the Russian Revolution, would you?

Yet maybe the media were so impressed with this mural because in the current scheme of British satire it actually fairs okay. TV, for instance, is a mess. Apparently ‘Have I got news for you?’ is satirical, but by that logic so is writing ‘Eric Pickles is fat’ on a napkin. ‘Russell Howard’s Good News’ was meant to be satire for the next generation but it’s largely just an eight year old introducing YouTube clips of a dog trying to lick its own arse on a trampoline.

Good satire is important, though, and it shouldn’t be this hard to produce. The US manages it. Take John Oliver’s ‘Last Week Tonight’ on HBO. It’s self-assured enough to spend more than eight seconds and a nob-gag on each piece, which means it can find comedy in the depth of issues rather than just their headlines. Sure, the studio audience woop their way through the thing like a pack of Barbary apes being tickled with ice cubes, but that doesn’t stop it being watchable. Or better than anything we’ve got right now.

So I feel like British satire needs a bit of help. If Banksy comes to Cambridge he’ll probably spray an anti-Semitic manatee onto the Van of Life or something, and no-one wants that. Thus, I’ve come up with some Banksy-style murals that I think effectively satirise the most pressing issues in Cambridge. I hope you enjoy them.

Satire of the Boots Meal Deal:

Satire of the Cambridge one way system

Satire of Girton being far away

Pretty self-explanatory

Satire of rising theatre ticket prices

The Solution to Porn (22/10/14)

What was a ‘first time’ like for the generation where no-one had access to porn? I imagine the following:

The male would have screamed and orgasmed instantly upon seeing a pair of breasts; likewise, the female would have screamed and pretended to orgasm instantly upon seeing a penis. They’d then have cried, shook hands and parted ways.

What will a ‘first time’ be like for those in the near, semi-dystopian future where everyone has alltheporn.porn as their smart-watch homepage from when they’re eleven? I imagine the following:

The male will scream and vomit instantly upon seeing a pair of non-surgically enhanced breasts; likewise, the female will scream and vomit instantly upon seeing a naked man she probably likes scream and vomit. They’ll then cry, shake hands, and return to The Anti-Ebola Centre for Survivors™.

What I’ve tried to illustrate is that first times are always terrible – comically so – but that there’s a growing concern they’re becoming the wrong kind of terrible. A ruined-by-porn kind of terrible. The Guardian’s recent sex survey drew the conclusion that porn is changing what young people, particularly boys, expect from sex. Apparently they want sex to emulate what they’ve seen online, which is bound to be more extreme than anything they’re ready for. It’s also bound to leave them disappointed.

But I take slight issue with the argument. I would never deny that what we watch as we grow up can change subtly us (for instance I grew up watching Get Your Own Back, and now whenever my parents ask me to tidy my room I get a black man to push them into an artificial slurry pit.) But I think it’s somewhat of a knee-jerk reaction to assume porn is completely altering the way young people have sex, even if it is having an effect. You see, the survey hasn’t considered just how desperate for any sexual contact many young people are.

I, like a number Cambridge students, spent most of my teenage years in the foetal position alternating between aggressively applying ‘Oxy-10’ and chuckling nervously at the jokes in the CGP textbooks. I was hyper-horny, terrified, and in a state of perpetual frustrated nonogamy. Thus, had a girl offered me sex when I was seventeen I don’t think I would have questioned the specifics, let alone demanded a jacuzzi-earfuck-gangbang or whatever then kicked off when she refused.

To be honest I’d have probably either pinched myself to death or bored her into leaving by combing the area for hidden cameras while muttering something about the ‘Prank Patrol’. But then I suppose I’m not really part of the generation the survey’s describing. I didn’t have porn on my phone – I had a midi version of ‘Chico Time’ by Chico. Sure, that probably did fuck me up a bit but it can’t have made me hate women’s bodies. If anything it made me hate men. Certainly made me hate one of them.

So if porn does increasingly affect young people, what’s the solution? I suppose we could dramatically improve sex education to cover the dangers of porn consumption, but that sounds like something sensible Sweden would do so we probably won’t.

In reality I think the solution is to weave sex education into online pornography. If done subtly, I’m pretty sure no-one would mind. I envisage something like this:

Porn film/sex-education mashup – by Adrian Gray

MAN knocks on door. He is delivering a bag of sausages (metaphor).

Woman opens door.

WOMAN: Are you here with the sausages?

MAN: Yes.

MAN accidentally glances at camera then shifts awkwardly. You can see that the actor feels uncomfortable with the dialogue aspect of his job. He’s probably also fundamentally unhappy.

WOMAN: Then come in.

She emphasises the word come a bit too much and it sounds like she’s taking the piss. 

MAN: Okay.

They enter the woman’s characterless living room. Although full of possessions it’s somehow still empty. A sort of beige suburban hell. 

MAN: Can I put my sausage in your bun?

WOMAN: Hehe.

MAN: Can I do you up the arse?

WOMAN: No. (To camera) Although porn might establish anal sex as the norm, if attempted without experience and the appropriate lubricant it can be painful for the woman, or possibly even dangerous. Protection should also always be worn.

MAN: Let’s try missionary.

Happy Days theme plays. Credits roll.

A tribute to Jeremy Paxman

Recently it was announced that Evan Davis will replace Jeremy Paxman as the host of the BBC's Newsnight. I'll certainly be sad to see Paxman go, especially as no-one will ever be able to replicate his wonderful, highly-probing interview style.

As a tribute to the man, I thought I'd try and find my favourite Paxman moment. So, below is a transcript of an absolute classic bit of Newsnight from March 2007. Interviewing ex-host of children’s TV smash ‘Get your own back' - Dave Benson Phillips - Paxman asks the questions the public really want to hear. Enjoy.

Jeremy Paxman interviews Dave Benson Phillips (14/03/2007)

Paxman: Dave Benson Phillips, good evening.

DBP: Good evening.

Paxman: So, you haven’t been on our screens for six years now. What makes you think the public are still interested in you?

DBP: Well I’m still a prolific children’s entertainer, and I think the demand for TV shows like Get your own back to make a return is growing and growing, so- 

Paxman: Well I don’t want to watch it.

DBP: Yes, but you’re a grown man.

Paxman: Would rather watch paint dry. 

DBP: Like I say, you’re not really the target market. 

Paxman: Don't even like paint much.

DBP: Okay?

Paxman: Mr Phillips what makes you think you can just waltz in here and start talking, live on air?

DBP: Well I was invited, wasn't I? I mean really I want to talk about how children’s entertainment has changed, and how that could be affecting the way that we see no only our friends and family, but-

Paxman: I didn't ask you about your personal life Mr Phillips I asked you a serious question. Now will you please answer it and stop being such a pussy and just chatting shit! I can feel the viewers turning off as you speak, probably going to watch world's biggest pussies on Channel 5, starring you. 

DBP: Sorry, can you repeat the question then, because-

Paxman: Have you ever lied to your wife Mr Phillips?

DBP: What?

Paxman: Have you ever lied to your wife?

DBP: Well, I mean-

Paxman: Have you ever told she looks like a fucking portaloo?

DBP: No, I-  

Paxman: Designed by a fucking mole with no eyes.

DBP: How could-

Paxman: COME ON!

DBP: I don’t understand why you’re-

Paxman: How much is a loaf of bread?

DBP: Um...

Paxman: HOW MUCH IS A LOAF OF BREAD?

 

DBP: Well sliced it’s usually about £1.35, but-

Paxman: I meant a loaf made of DICK for crying out loud!

DBP: What does that even-?

Paxman: COME ON!

DBP: I don’t get what you’re-

Paxman: Do you have an inny or an outy?

DBP: An outy, but I don’t see how-

Paxman: Israel or Palestine? 

DBP: I’m sorry?

Paxman: WHO DO YOU SUPPORT: ISRAEL OR PALESTINE?!

DBP: Erm…well personally I support a general movement towards tolerance and understanding with the aim of eventually reaching some sort of ceasefire. I mean the education system- 

Paxman: BLAH BLAH BLAH. (Pretends to vomit). What a fucking worm’s dick of an answer. This is classic Benson Phillips: twisting the question like a sack. 

DBP: What do you mean ‘a sack’?

Paxman: Sack o’ shit.  

He hi-5s the set designer, pretends to vomit again, then exits. There is a pause as DBP sits in shock.

DBP: (Peering down his top) Shit, it's an inny. 

Germany vs. Argentina

19: 56: COIN TOSS

The players shake hands with the referee and it's time for the coin toss. Argentina captain Lionel Messi picks heads while Germany captain Philipp Lahm opts for the risky 'side-coin'. It's tails, so kick-off is awarded to the team that sent the biggest bribe (Germany).

20:00: KICK OFF

Whistle blows. Germany's Muller shares a brief kiss with teammate Kroos before passing the ball to start the match. Homophobic boos are quickly drowned out by anti-Argentine boos. Good to see.

15 minutes: BALL GOES OVER THE FENCE

Mascherano's miss-kick sends the ball flying out of the stadium and over the fence into someone's garden. Under FIFA regulation Mascherano must ring their doorbell and ask for it back.

17 minutes: THEY'RE NOT IN

Mascherano re-enters the stadium ball-less, and to searing boos. "They weren't in!" he cries. More boos. "I tried to climb over the fence but their neighbours were looking at me!" he pleads. No luck. He is yellow carded and the game begins again using the spare ball.

24 minutes: PENALTY CLAIM

Argentina cry for a penalty as Messi is stabbed in the box by Zabaleta: a German spy on the Argentinian team. Referee says play on. Clever play from the Germans.

31 minutes: REFEREE VOMITS

The game's referee Marcus Pleamf vomits into the German goal. Camera focuses in on attractive Argentinian woman watching the action nervously.

32 minutes: ATTRACTIVE ARGENTINIAN WOMAN VOMITS

Seemingly spotting Pleamf's vomit, the attractive Argentinian woman also vomits. Camera now focuses in on an old German man dressed as an Angela Merkel/eagle hybrid with the German flag painted onto his face and Miroslav Klose tattooed to his cock. He goes nuts upon seeing himself on the big screen and starts windmilling, though the camera quickly cuts away.

47 minutes: HALF TIME: GERMANY 0-0 ARGENTINA

Referee blows for half time. As the camera spots David Luiz in the crowd everyone remembers how shit Brazil are.
 
20:49: RIO FERDINAND LOOKS RIDICULOUS

Pundit Rio Ferdinand appears on screen for the first time and due to his makeup is the colour of a Homebase shed. He begins a nervous monologue about the Germans being efficient which, while unintelligible, definitely contains the word Nazis at least twice.

20:51 AWKWARD BANTER INVOLVING PUNDITS

"In my day football wasn't full of pussies" quips Alan Hansen. Big laugh from the studio. Overconfident, he proceeds to describe the Argentina defence as "a steaming pile of fuck", forcing Lineker to apologise to camera.

20: 58: WEIRD FEATURE

Lineker introduces a weird and unnecessary feature called 'My Football Loo'. "Tweet us pictures of the toilet you used during the match with the hashtag #myfootballloo" he says. Moments later Shearer attempts a segue-joke about the game being 'crap' but can't articulate it well enough. It bombs and he goes red.

21:00: SECOND HALF

Whistle blows. Germany's Schweinsteiger shares a brief hand-job with half-Ghanaian teammate Jerome Boateng before passing the ball to begin the second half. Racist boos are quickly drowned out by homophobic boos. Good to see.

62 minutes: REFEREE SHOWS MYSTERIOUS PURPLE CARD

Referee Marcus Pleamf shows Mesut Ozil a giant purple card for his tackle on Perez. Ozil starts to cry and begs for forgiveness, suggesting he knows the card's true power.

66 minutes: TWEET from @moleskincum87: "Argetinga desrevr a red crad in the faec for thsi perfmorance utterlly vile ive seen better footbeal from my cat and its disasbled and gay" 

75 minutes: BALL BEING KICKED AROUND

Ball is kicked around by the players on the pitch. Good to see.

77 minutes: GOAL! - GERMANY 1-0 ARGENTINA

With a fantastic turn of pace Germany's Klose whips the ball into the back of the Argentina net. He runs towards the corner flag and lifts up his shirt, revealing a picture of his young daughter. Commentator Steve Wilson somehow mistakes the girl for Madeleine McCann, spawning the internet meme 'Awkward British Commentator'.

90 minutes: GERMANS BEGIN TO CELEBRATE

As the Germans celebrate what looks set to be an historic victory, the camera focuses in on Angela Merkel, sitting in the VIP box. She goes nuts upon seeing herself on the big screen and starts windmilling, though the camera quickly cuts away.

94 minutes: FULL TIME - GERMANY 1 - ARGENTINA 0 - QATAR 20

That's it! The referee blows for full time and the Germans celebrate. But, out of nowhere Sepp Blatter runs on the pitch, wanking. He whispers something to the referee and it is announced that Qatar are this year's victors, having scored 20 goals. Incredible scenes. As the result appears on the screen Ozil is shot in the head by a mysterious purple man, the Qatar squad run onto the pitch in tears, and Blatter finishes onto the referee's chest. Football at its finest. 

Star Wars

So there are going to be some new Star Wars films.

This annoys me, because these countless sequels and prequels - they're all about the money. The original Star Wars films weren't about the money; they were about great stories, great characters, great merchandise. Never the money.

The new Star Wars films are being made by a production company called Disney (pronounced 'Disney') and just yesterday they released a set of character synopses for the forthcoming film, tentatively titled 'Episode VII'. No doubt the writers will be looking to avoid the mistakes made by Lucas in the prequels. Here they are:

1. Mo-Jo Bing-Bang: a loveable purple alien with dicks for eyes and a wheelie-bin for a dick. Of no narrative significance he follows the protagonists around vomiting and providing light comic-relief by being the exact stereotype of an angry Chinese businessman. 'Our shields are row!' he cries, a timeless catchphrase sure to delight fans and cunts alike.

2. Darth Bad: an old evil shit intent on destroying the galaxy for no reason. Played by a CGI Benedict Cumberbatch but voiced by the meerkat from the insurance ads, he is as confusing as his motives are ambiguous. His controversial super-power 'force-AIDS' is fortunately never used or mentioned.

3. Lola Space-Wax: a female character, with breasts.

4. Jedi Master Vague: a kind old Jedi who speaks entirely in piss-easy riddles, including 'I am the opposite of sad, what am I?' and 'What flies and is a bird but not a helicopter?' He believes in the special prophecy that 'everything will be fine', though is characteristically vague about how deterministic it is and thus whether any action is actually required.

5. Landan G. Coolschlong: a black character with attitude to match, and a gun. As the only minority in the galaxy he doesn't play by the rules, and sure knows the f-word. "Let's shoot these motherfuckers...with our guns!", he cries. A timeless catchphrase, sure to delight fans and cunts alike. He is decapitated eighteen seconds in.

6. Bret Cloudhole: a plucky, miscast protagonist torn between saving the galaxy and putting his dick in Lola Space-Wax. In a shocking narrative twist he ends up doing both, storing the all important space crystals inside his foreskin, then hiding them from Darth Bad inside Lola's vaginal tract.

7. P69- BUM: a total pussy of a droid who literally never stops screaming like a fucking little shit. "AAAAARGGH" he cries. A timeless catchphrase sure to delight fans and cunts alike.